A Rose by any other name...

..probably will still smell sweet, but if you name your daughter Kuhlymidia, she's going to end up as a toothless, chubby stripper doing the bump and grind in an anonymous club that reeks of sordid desperation. How can I be so certain? It's because I'm an obstetrician.
I want to believe in free will, but the more women I meet named Krystal (or Kuhrystahl, Crystal, Kristal) the less I do.
Let me explain.

Some parents pore over family trees and multiple purchases from amazon.com, but other parents name their baby after the first billboard they see on the way to the hospital. Really.

The excited teenagers saddled their progeny with the moniker "Diesel." It could have been worse, he could been ridiculed on the playground as Walmart, but fortunately they took a wrong turn as they backed into their neighbor's car before speeding to the hospital and thus saw the gas station first. Now Diesel certainly doesn't rank as the worst baby name I've ever heard, but following the logic of Johnny Cash in "A Boy Named Sue", Diesel is in for a future with a lot of scars and empty bottles of whiskey.

My favorite all time baby name ever is also going to end up toothless and stripping in an exotic club near the airport, but it's kind of a sweet story none the less. It's 3 am and complete pandemonium in room 64. A woman is screaming obscenities and pushing as several frowsy blondes with smeared eyeliner hoot and call each other "Sissy" and "Momma." They use the terms interchangably with each other, so it's not entirely clear who is related and how, but they are all busy trying to check her cervix....

I'm too busy restraining myself from slapping the baby daddy to care much. He's been hollerin' in my ear for the last five hours, his acne bespattered face aglow. "Coooome on JAKE! Jake the snake man Jake! Woo-hoo push Momma!" He'd slap his woman's thigh and repeat his refrain again. And again. And again.

As I have deduced from his tshirt, WWF limited edition jacket and mesh ball cap, Jake the SnakeMan is his favorite professional wrestler and soon to be the name of his son. Fast forward. Baby is finally delivered and placed in the exhausted mom's arms. A sudden silence falls over the room as we all realize that Jake the Snake Man.... has no snake! It's a squalling little girl. Everyone turns to look at the dad who has been so vocal and so excited to have a son. His face briefly falls, but then he looks at his daughter and his wife, smiles and says awestruck, "Ain't she beautiful Momma? Just like a Hollywood Star..."
And so their daughter was dubbed "Hollywood Star."

Another proud father, so overcome with testosterone driven pride at having spawned a son named the fruit of his loins after his loins "Mahwillie."
Perhaps Mahwillie can take solace in the company of twins born by crash csection after a failed attempt at being delivered at home under less than auspicious circumstances. "Wolfgang Racecar" and his sister "Flannery Centrifuge" are also going to need years of therapy.

Any derivation of Crystal? The odds that the urine drug screen are positive for something beyond a prenatal vitamin? Betting odds.

Misty or Destiny? That's a high risk name that almost certainly guarantees a preterm delivery with a fetal anomaly.

Brianna? Do not pass go, do not collect $200, direct admission to the NICU with an intestinal malformation.

Lovely? Precious? The ER is paging to rule out pelvic inflammatory disease. Their name just ruled it in! Ain't nothing lovely or precious about pus. Start antibiotics for all 4 collectible sexually transmitted diseases...
Oops gotta run. Family Practice is paging with a consult. They just admitted a "Laqueishiah" with a threatened miscarriage. Bet you a drink it's her period and she's having a fight with her baby daddy.