Christmas Morning

It’s my own fault. I knew better and I had fair warning when she told me “he’s a really nice guy”, but I have a hard time saying no to Brittany, so here I am on a blind date with her family friend. I sensed it was a mission of pity from the fact that he started all of his sentences with either “My therapist thinks…” or “My girlfriend, I mean ex,”
Before self righteous accusations start getting lobbed at my head, let me explain why “nice” men irritate me, and no, it’s not because I like douche bags. I don’t waste my time on jerks. Well, not anymore anyways. I like considerate. Nice is generic and is frequently passive aggressive. Nice is also frequently a cover for boring and insipid. You thought I was going to say ugly, didn’t you?
Anyways, he is as advertised, nice. And trying really hard to not be heartbroken. Chad has the forlorn appeal of a puppy dog out in the rain, and so I’m being nice too. It’s a stretch, but I’ve always got the pager as an emergency exit. That’s another good thing about my job- it’s a great excuse for arriving late or leaving early. I’m never late, but I’ve been known to set the pager’s timer to go off conveniently and make my excuses sooner rather than later.
We’ve covered the weather, what he does, and what I do. As a brief public service announcement, the general public seems convinced that all doctors like watching medical dramas and talking about medicine. I haven’t met any who do, with the exception of Scrubs. Scrubs is damn funny, and surprisingly accurate.
Chad is telling me all about his recent medical drama of his own; a kidney stone. And yes, passing a kidney stone is supposed to be the male equivalent of labor, but that’s not sexy or particularly interesting. Except maybe to Chad. He is becoming very animated as he goes into colorful detail about how the nurse had trouble placing his IV, and how his veins are very unique. I am smiling sympathetically and nodding with interest in all the right places.
He stops all of a sudden; he’s going to run out to his car to get an audiovisual device to better illustrate his medical mishap. I wait with bated breath.
Chad returns with the KUB film taken in the ER. KUB stands for kidney, ureter, bladder and basically it’s just a black and white x-ray of those areas. Kidney stones frequently have calcium in them so that like bone, they look white. Fluid or air looks black and muscle and fat tissue is a shade of grey.
I have enough close guy friends that I’ve heard many a bitter man complain about the fraud perpetuated on their half of the species known as the Wonder bra. Lately new technology has been introduced in the form of “cutlets.” Cutlets are silicone inserts women can pop right into any old bra and beguile many an innocent man astray into thinking an A cup is a C cup.
‘Oh cruel world!’ is my standard insincere response as I point out that women never know what they are going to unwrap until they’ve committed to undoing the zipper as well. It’s like Christmas morning when you’re not sure what Santa left you underneath the tree. Does that package contain the electric train set of your dreams, or just a lump of nasty coal?
Chad is now holding up to the light, for the entire bar to see, the x-ray from his hospital stay. As he is gesticulating wildly and relating his tale, keep in mind that a KUB shows the kidney, ureter and bladder. It shows the bones, fluids and the soft tissue beneath… Pretty much he showed the whole bar a picture of his lump of coal.
Can’t wait to thank Brittany for this evening.